Was reading something about something, and came across something entirely different and side-splitting: There is a 'Bad Sex In Fiction Award' given every year to apparently the worst sex scene written that year.
I could not resist quoting some of the 'winning' passage excerpts (Hope I am not crossing any copyright restrictions; If so, please leave a comment and I will look at it in my leisure):
"Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth ... Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns ..." (Now that name reminds me of a conversation Joey and Monica have)
"She closed her eyes, saw his dark-as-treacle-toffee eyes gazing down at her. Weirdly, he was clad in pin-stripes at the same time as being naked. Pin-stripes were erotic, the uniform of fathers, two-dimensional fathers.." (Now that's weird!)
"Her hand is moving away from my knee and heading north. Heading unnervingly and with a steely will towards the pole ... Ever northward moves her hand, while she smiles languorously at my right ear. And when she reaches the north pole, I think in wonder and terror -- she will surely want to pitch her tent." (Tacky..)
"It is time, time ... Now. Yes. She is so small and compact and yet she has all the necessary features ... Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman. She is his own Toshiba, his dinky little JVC, his sweet Aiwa ... Aiwa" (I can continue this with '...Siemens lost, Ericsson was gone and Sam sung and smoked a cigarette right after...' oops! Watch out Awards 2012!!)
"Meanwhile her ears were filled with the sound of a soft but frantic gasping and it was some time before she identified it as her own." (Now she is much better.. she remembers her name!)
"She made a noise somewhere between a beached seal and a police siren" (.. but she didn't win the mimicry award)
"Liz squeaked like wet rubber" (I don't know how to respond to this!)
"Detaching mind from over-eager gnomon and its exquisitely appointed, shadowy task, he began to make love to her." (Wait, a female sundial?)
"Their jaws ground in feverish mutual mastication. Saliva and sweat. Sweat and saliva. There was a purposeful shedding of clothing." (Wow. Mastication. Wow.)
"She is topping up your engine oil for the cross-country coming up. Your RPM is hitting a new high. To wait any longer would be to lose prime time..."
"She picks up a Bugatti's momentum. You want her more at a Volkswagen's steady trot. Squeeze the maximum mileage out of your gallon of gas. But she's eating up the road with all cylinders blazing."
The author of these last two quotes is India's own Aniruddha Bahal, from his fiction 'Bunker 13'. So, no comments from me for these two. Zip. None.
Until next time I find something quirky enough to be irresistibly shareable...
- Gaggy
I could not resist quoting some of the 'winning' passage excerpts (Hope I am not crossing any copyright restrictions; If so, please leave a comment and I will look at it in my leisure):
"Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth ... Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns ..." (Now that name reminds me of a conversation Joey and Monica have)
"She closed her eyes, saw his dark-as-treacle-toffee eyes gazing down at her. Weirdly, he was clad in pin-stripes at the same time as being naked. Pin-stripes were erotic, the uniform of fathers, two-dimensional fathers.." (Now that's weird!)
"Her hand is moving away from my knee and heading north. Heading unnervingly and with a steely will towards the pole ... Ever northward moves her hand, while she smiles languorously at my right ear. And when she reaches the north pole, I think in wonder and terror -- she will surely want to pitch her tent." (Tacky..)
"It is time, time ... Now. Yes. She is so small and compact and yet she has all the necessary features ... Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman. She is his own Toshiba, his dinky little JVC, his sweet Aiwa ... Aiwa" (I can continue this with '...Siemens lost, Ericsson was gone and Sam sung and smoked a cigarette right after...' oops! Watch out Awards 2012!!)
"Meanwhile her ears were filled with the sound of a soft but frantic gasping and it was some time before she identified it as her own." (Now she is much better.. she remembers her name!)
"She made a noise somewhere between a beached seal and a police siren" (.. but she didn't win the mimicry award)
"Liz squeaked like wet rubber" (I don't know how to respond to this!)
"Detaching mind from over-eager gnomon and its exquisitely appointed, shadowy task, he began to make love to her." (Wait, a female sundial?)
"Their jaws ground in feverish mutual mastication. Saliva and sweat. Sweat and saliva. There was a purposeful shedding of clothing." (Wow. Mastication. Wow.)
"She is topping up your engine oil for the cross-country coming up. Your RPM is hitting a new high. To wait any longer would be to lose prime time..."
"She picks up a Bugatti's momentum. You want her more at a Volkswagen's steady trot. Squeeze the maximum mileage out of your gallon of gas. But she's eating up the road with all cylinders blazing."
The author of these last two quotes is India's own Aniruddha Bahal, from his fiction 'Bunker 13'. So, no comments from me for these two. Zip. None.
Until next time I find something quirky enough to be irresistibly shareable...
- Gaggy
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