I seek life, yet at every moment of my existence, consciously or unconsciously, I seek death. At this instant, if there was a huge deluge and I were drowned, I would probably be the person putting up the least resistance to the dark unseen chains below. If at this instant there exploded a fire to incinerate me, my soul would feel the happiest it has been in quite a long time, and would expect the coming with all the anticipation in the world.
I understand and fully comprehend that at the age of 28, some might consider, and not falsely, that I have not suffered as most of the poor, helpless, homeless, hungry, sick in the world have. Yes, I do agree to that. They also might opine that there are so many things left yet to be experienced, to be seen, heard, felt. They might be right there too.
But what is this affinity to sadness, the attraction towards misery, the idea of austerity being noble? Why am I built in such a way that even the brightest and happiest of conversations might turn into a serious reflection of self and judgement of others for me? Why am I not equally interested in happier parts of life? Is it because the dreadful expectation of the silent repose right after? Or do I simply go into the expected before even thoroughly enjoying what is in the present?